“These demands will create so many jobs it will be completely impossible to fill them without an open borders policy.”
— Lloyd J. Hart, precocious and Jefferson-esque author of Occupy Wall Street Demands
I recently discovered this list of demands from an Occupy Wall Street protestor. Here is a quick and dirty summary of his demands, along with some sarcastic commentary from yours truly.
“Restore” a “living wage” by imposing tariffs on all foreign goods and mandating a $20 an hour minimum wage. Sounds like a fantastic idea! The last time the United States imposed a blanket suite of tariffs unilaterally was when it passed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act in 1930. The Act triggered a tariff war that historians believe worsened the Great Depression, which resulted in global trade declining from $5.3 billion in 1929 to $1.8 billion by 1932.
Additionally, raising the minimum wage will reduce the number of people firms can afford or be willing to hire, which will be a great boon for the unemployment rate (i.e., it will go up)!
Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. Yes, let’s do that! Who’s going to pay for it? Why the “rich”, of course!
Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment. I love this idea! Now I can stop working and collect a paycheck. Why not? It’s only “fair” that the “rich” can pay me to protest or sit on my ass.
I love it! Keep these brilliant ideas coming!
Free college education. Why not? I am sure most passionate professors would teach bright young minds for free. In fact, if everyone can now sit on their asses and collect a paycheck, there will likely be fewer people to teach — win-win for everyone!
End the fossil fuel economy and switch to alternative energy now. Great idea! Wind and solar can only meet peaking capacity needs, so the country may need to go off-line for a few years while we close all our coal and natural gas power plants, develop new base load sources of energy, and build more nuclear power plants. That of course, would mean that our country could not produce anything in the interim.
But hey, everyone will be getting a paycheck, so that shouldn’t matter, right?
Since we can also no longer use fossil fuels, we can support our transportation needs with ethanol, which already consumes 20% of our corn crop, but only meets 10-15% of our gasoline demand. But, if we use ALL of our corn, we can bring it to 50-75%! Of course, most cars cannot run on pure ethanol; nonetheless, it will be a valiant effort!
Better yet, we could use more acreage to plant even more corn to get it to 100%! Not that many people would starve, and if they did, they would deserve it, because they aren’t growing organic food in their “victory gardens.”
One trillion dollars in infrastructure spending now. I agree. As long as the “rich” pay for it, there is no limit to the amount of dollars we can spend on whatever we can imagine.
One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America’s nuclear power plants. Yes. Another fantastic idea! Let’s close the only base load electricity source with sufficient scale we have left after we ban all fossil fuel electricity resources. I can’t wait to tabulate the fatality rates after the first cold and dark winter!
Racial and gender equal rights amendment. Another super idea! Because existing federal laws that prohibit racial and gender discrimination are simply not enough!
Open borders migration. What a fabulous idea! After all, if we are offering a free paycheck for anyone with a pulse, a few billion more immigrants shouldn’t be problem, right?
Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system. Yes, because America, after all, is a third world country.
Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. I completely agree, and we should start with the United States. The Republicans sure nailed it by threatening to default on the national debt. Sure the monetary system would collapse, but who cares? The Trilateral Commission was just using it to manipulate the masses, so we probably don’t need it anyway.
Who said barter wasn’t better?
Outlaw all credit reporting agencies. Yeah, having independent third parties reviewing corporate and individual credit is a terrible idea! We should just trust people, and by people, I mean corporations!
Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union. Why not? Everyone knows that union labor is more attractive because it costs a heck of a lot more!
Since Lloyd’s demands really got my creative juices flowing, I decided to add some to his already superb list.
Forthwith, I demand the following:
Prettier and more frequent rainbows
Cow burps will no longer be flammable
Everyone will be a winner
$1 trillion dollars for lollipops and unicorns
Dogs will talk
Pigs will fly
Hell will freeze over
Close will count in more than just horseshoes and hand grenades
Fame! I want to live forever!
A personal butler for everyone!
A Red Sox-Cubs World Series
A Ferrari for everyone
More ninjas in public schools
No more Twinkees for Michael Moore
More pointless protests
The only downside to these demands is that they will create so many jobs it will be completely impossible to fill them without colonization of Alpha Centauri.